


The Princess Lex

by tamalinn



Category: Smallville
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-21
Updated: 2004-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-01 10:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamalinn/pseuds/tamalinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>S. Morgenstern's classic tale of true love and high adventure by William Goldman. Horribly bastardized.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Princess Lex

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to chasethecat for beta and all-around awesomosity. For Aelora's Fairy Tale Challenge, this is a rewrite of The Princess Bride, because I just couldn't help myself. Feedback gives Lex his masculinity back.
> 
> Spoilers: Rosetta, Rush, Calling, Memoria
> 
> Disclaimer: If they were mine, I'd only get the Kryptofreaks.

"Lucas!" the queen shouted. 

"Yes, mother?" Lucas said, appearing from around a corner. 

"Your father is dying and you're unmarried. I've found a lovely princess from a neighboring kingdom who would make a good wife. She's arriving for dinner tonight. Please dress appropriately." 

"Yes, mother," Lucas said. He disappeared into his chambers. 

* 

The meal went off without a hitch. Lucas was absolutely entranced by Princess Lana, a slim, beautiful woman with large hazel eyes. 

She'd had a tragic upbringing. Her parents died when she was a young girl, and she'd been raised by her aunt, who was regent until Lana was ready to rule. She was ready, but she had no husband to stand at her side. 

Lucas and Lana chatted long into the night, and when it was too late to talk, Lucas leaned forward to kiss her. The kiss was sweet, but not exactly what Lucas wanted. He pulled Lana to her feet and pressed himself against her before tangling his fingers in her long, silky brown hair. He tugged her head back when it happened. 

"MOTHER!" Lucas cried, "I am NOT marrying a BALD princess!" 

Lana ran off crying, clutching her wig to her chest. 

The queen said quietly to her son, "What about a bald farmer's son?" 

Lucas raised an eyebrow and nodded for her to continue. 

* * *

There was a farm on the outskirts of the kingdom, and a man and woman lived there with their one son. The son had been bald since childhood, as a result of a meteor shower. Once considered a freak by those in town, the boy had grown into a handsome man. His startling blue eyes had the power to hold any gaze. His pale skin had the girls in town imagining that it must be as soft as it looked. And he had muscles he worked hard for: powerful legs and arms and a strong, defined chest and stomach. The girls in town swooned when Lex rode by. They begged him to glance in their direction. They threw their panties when their cries for attention went ignored, but none could get him to care about their desires. 

Also living on the farm was a boy who'd arrived one day years ago, young and orphaned and desiring shelter. In exchange, he would work on their farm. His name was Clark, but Lex only called him "Farmboy". 

Everyday Clark would work hard in the fields, and Lex would watch. Sweat glistened on Clark's tanned body, and Lex wondered if it was odd that he found the farmboy so attractive. He would distract himself by asking Clark to perform tasks for him that Lex could easily do himself. Clark worked for him, after all, so it was okay for Lex to order him around. 

Clark always took Lex's orders in stride. His eyes would sparkle, and he would say only, "Sure thing." 

Lex would nod and leave. Until one day he realized the farmboy wasn't saying, "Sure thing."; rather, he was saying, "I love you." Lex was horrified to realize he loved Clark, too. 

* * *

There was a countess at the farm, and she was openly gawking at Lex. Until Clark walked by, and then she'd gawk at him. Lex seethed with jealousy, but as soon as Clark was out of sight, the countess returned to undressing Lex with her eyes. Lex wondered why she was there. 

At dinner that night, he found his answer. 

"The prince needs a wife," his mother said. "The countess was on a scouting mission to find him an attractive woman to marry." 

"So why was she here?" Lex scoffed. "I'm hardly a woman." 

His mother's eyes glittered with humor. "Apparently the prince likes men, too." 

Lex scowled. "I don't want to be a queen. I won't marry the prince. Besides," he continued thoughtfully, "I think I might love someone else." 

His mother smothered her knowing smile. 

* 

It was time, Lex decided, to tell Clark how he felt. Nightmares of countesses with large breasts and too much makeup appearing at the farm and pulling a laughing, flirting, and very naked Clark to their bejeweled carriages would wake him, and he'd be unable to return to sleep. Clark was his, and he was going to let Clark know it. He knocked on Clark's door. 

Clark answered, wet from a shower, with a towel wrapped around his lean hips. Lex eventually dragged his eyes up to Clark's face and said, "I regret to inform you that I'm completely, utterly in love with you. I know this is entirely inconvenient as I'm one of the most sought after men in the kingdom, and you're but a poor farmboy, but I'm afraid my heart belongs only to you." Lex shrugged. "I just thought you should know since I'm assuming you love me in return." 

Clark looked poleaxed for a moment before slamming the door in Lex's face. 

Lex stalked furiously back to the house. "Fine," he said to his mother through gritted teeth, "I'll marry the goddamn prince." 

The next morning, Clark was gone. 

A week later, a carriage arrived to take Lex to the palace. 

* * *

Training to be the Other King wasn't easy. He had to learn about dinner parties and greeting guests and which fork was which and a lot of other formal things he'd never had to deal with at the farm. Lucas was exactly the intolerable ass that Lex had worried he would be. Lex found he rather disliked the prince even more than he'd thought he would. It didn't help Lucas' case any that he lacked Clark's easy laugh and quick wit. And body. God, that body. Lex shook his head of those thoughts and fetched his horse from the stables. Riding was his only respite from this life he'd chosen. 

It was on one particularly trying day that he ran into three travelers: a man, a boy and a girl. They said they were lost circus performers looking for a nearby town. 

"A nearby town," Lex said, "There's no one around for miles." 

The man grinned evilly. "Good," he said, "Then no one will hear you scream." He clubbed Lex over the head and pulled him from his horse. 

* * *

When Lex awoke, it was dark, and he was bound and being gently rocked. He could hear the sound of water lightly splashing around him, and the voices of those he presumed were his captors. Lex pretended to be asleep, and listened. 

"There's a boat behind us," said the girl's voice. 

"That's ridiculous," said the man. "No one could know we're here." 

The boy said, "Someone does. That boat is gaining." 

"It's a fisherman. Or a noble, sailing aimlessly at night," said the man. 

Lex could hear the girl roll her eyes. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." 

The man stated confidently, "No one is following us." 

Lex cracked an eye. Sure enough, there was a boat behind them that was quickly coming closer. "It's Prince Lucas," Lex said, bored. "It must be. He's overly possessive and would never stand for someone taking his--" Lex grimaced, " _Property_ away. It makes him feel like less of a man." 

"It doesn't matter who it is, we're here!" the man crowed triumphantly, pointing to the sheer cliff walls ahead of them. 

The girl made a face. "How are we getting up that?" 

The boy grinned, "I rigged pulleys earlier that I bought from Sears. Yeah, Black and Decker!" 

Lex huffed in exasperation. 

The boat docked, and his captors dragged him out. The boy tied them all together and then pulled the rope, slowly raising them off the ground and to the top of the cliffs. 

* * *

When they were finally at the top, the boy untied them. The girl glanced over the side, and gasped. "Liozzini," she said, "A man in black is climbing the rope." 

"Impossible!" the man Lex assumed was Liozzini cried. 

The girl put her hands on her hips and said, "Obviously it's not impossible. You said the boat wasn't following us, and yet it not only caught up, it's docked right next to ours, and now whoever was manning it is climbing our rope." 

Liozzini said, "So kill him. Pezzik and I will go on ahead." 

"How do I kill him?" the girl shrieked. 

"However you want." Lex was tossed over Liozzini's shoulder, and he and Pezzik scurried off, leaving the scowling girl behind. 

* * *

Chloe kicked at a pebble. "What do I know about killing people?" she muttered. "I only agreed to this because Liozzini promised me an interview with Count Senatori." 

"You could cut the rope," came a man's shout from over the edge of the cliffs. "Theoretically, that would kill me." 

Chloe nodded. "You have a point," she yelled back, and using a sharp stone, she sawed at the rope. When it finally broke, it pulled over the edge of the cliff and fell to the ground. Chloe looked over the side to watch it fall, and gasped. The man in black was clinging to the rock wall. "You said that would kill you!" she accused. 

"I said it would theoretically kill me. I never said it would definitely kill me." He leapt to the top of the cliffs, landing in a crouch at Chloe's feet. 

"How--" she swallowed. "How did you do that?" 

The man flashed her a dazzling grin. "A magician never reveals his secrets." 

"The public has a right to know," she shot back. 

"My secrets are my own," he said. He looked at her gravely. "I can't have you following me, sorry." The man in black clubbed her over the head, and she fell to the ground unconscious. 

* * *

"He's coming," Pezzik said. 

"Ridiculous," Liozzini said. "He never could've avoided Chloe's relentless questioning." 

Pezzik pointed behind them. "Obviously you're mistaken, because here he comes." 

Liozzini shrugged. "Fine; I'm taking the bald boy ahead." 

Lex sighed resignedly. 

"You kill him," Liozzini continued. 

"How do I do that?" Pezzik cried. 

"You're black. You'll think of something." 

Pezzik's eyes widened. "You didn't just say what I think you said." 

Liozzini shouted, "Just kill the bastard!" He scuttled off with Lex draped over his shoulder. 

* * *

Pezzik sat against a rock and waited. "Just because I'm black, I know how to kill a guy? Liozzini's a bastard." 

"Who's a bastard?" came a male voice from behind Pezzik's rock. 

"Oh, no one," Pezzik said, as the man in black emerged from behind the boulder. Pezzik eyed him. "By the way, I'm going to kill you." 

The man in black grinned. "You think so?" 

Pezzik nodded. 

"How?" the man asked indulgently. 

Pezzik looked around wildly before picking up a fist-sized rock at his feet. "With this!" he cried, hurling the rock at the man's head. 

The man laughed as the rock pinged off his chest and landed harmlessly on the ground. 

Pezzik watched the rock drop with wide eyes before he glanced back up at the man in black's smirking face. "Oh shit," Pezzik squeaked. 

The man stepped forward and clubbed Pezzik over the head as he had Chloe. Pezzik dropped to the ground in a dreamless sleep. 

* * *

"Someone narrowly avoided a gruelling interview," Lucas said. 

"My Lord, how do you know?" Count Senatori asked. 

"The trail of broken pencils. And that small notebook over there, the wire bent out of shape. The reporter..." Lucas thought for a moment. "Went off that way." He pointed between a couple boulders. "The potential interviewee..." Lucas leered at the path. "Has very large feet," he continued, "and took the worn gravel path. We'll follow it." 

* * *

"Don't take one step closer," Liozzini warned. He held a knife to Lex's throat. The man in black held up his hands in surrender as he took another step forward. 

"I said don't come any closer," Liozzini pressed. The knife moved against Lex's flesh, and Lex gasped slightly. "You're killing him." 

The man in black stopped walking. The knife came away from Lex's neck. "So," Liozzini said, "It is down to you and me." 

The man in black nodded. "It appears so," he agreed. The two men looked at one another expectantly. 

Finally, the man in black cleared his throat. "So, may I have that man in your arms, please?" 

Liozzini shook his head. "No; if you want him, you'll have to win him from me." 

"Oh?" The man in black cocked his head in interest. "And how shall we battle?" 

Liozzini thoughtfully stroked his beard. "You escaped my reporter, so you must be tenacious. I would not compete with your patience." He paused. "Then you bested my black man, so you must be fearless--" 

"Fearless?" the man in black interrupted. "Your black man was barely five and a half feet tall. And what's the difference if he's--" 

Liozzini silenced him with a glare. "As I was saying, you must be fearless. I would not compete with your bravery." He cocked his head and studied the man in black. "But there is one area in which you could never best me: my...business acumen. I challenge you to a game of Monopoly." 

"Monopoly." The man in black stifled a laugh. 

"Monopoly." 

"For the bald man?" the man in black asked. 

Liozzini nodded. "To the death," he added quickly. 

"To the death," the man in black repeated skeptically. "I don't know how anyone ever died from Monopoly, but we'll see what we can do." 

* * *

Four hours later, the sun was sliding beyond the horizon and neither Liozzini nor the man in black were anywhere near bankruptcy. The man in black landed on Park Place with a hotel. Liozzini laughed in triumph when he suddenly burst into flames. He shrieked in surprise. 

"I'm sorry," the man in black said, "I just couldn't take it anymore." He grabbed Lex and ran off. 

* * *

The man in black stopped running at the top of a hill, and set Lex gently on the ground before removing his blindfold. 

"Who are you?" Lex demanded. 

"The man who saved your life," the man in black replied curtly, focusing on untying the rope around Lex's ankles. 

"Liozzini, Pezzik and Chloe never would've killed me. Lucas would've found me and destroyed them before they had the chance," Lex sniffed. 

"Right," the man in black sneered. "Your dearest love would've saved you." He unbound Lex's wrists. 

"I never called him my 'dearest love'," Lex replied. "Besides, what would you know of love? You, who finds fun in kidnapping kidnappees from kidnappers." 

The man in black's head snapped up. Staring Lex directly in the eyes, he said, "I have loved more deeply than a traitor like you could ever understand." 

Lex stood. "You call me a traitor, but you do not know me, thief. I do not need you to save me." 

The man in black stood and glared at Lex menacingly, but Lex ignored him. "You can die, for all I care." Lex's arms shot out, and he shoved the man in black with all his might. 

The man lost his balance and fell, rolling and rolling and rolling down the rocky hill. And behind him, he called out, "SUUUUUUURE THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!" 

"CLARK!" Lex called out, and he threw himself down the hill after him. 

* * *

"This man was burned to death," Lucas said, standing over the still-smoking corpse of Liozzini. "I'd bet my life on it. And the man who burned him has Lex and is heading straight into the Kawatche Caves. We'll meet them at the exit." He mounted his horse and rode off, his men following behind. 

* * *

"Why did you leave?" Lex demanded, after he'd caught his breath. 

"I had to. I had to lear--" The clopping of horses' hooves at the top of the hill stopped Clark's train of thought. He looked up to where Lucas and his men were gathering. 

"We have to go. That way." Clark pointed towards the Kawatche Caves. 

"The... I'm not going in there," Lex said. 

"Lucas will try to kill us here. Move." He shoved Lex in the direction of the cave. 

"No," Lex said. 

"Suit yourself," Clark replied. He picked Lex up and tossed him over his shoulder. 

"Not again," Lex muttered. 

* 

"I left because I heard the voice of my biological father. He wanted me to take over the world." 

Lex looked at him. "You can do that?" 

"Well," Clark continued, "My birth name is Kal-El. I'm from the planet Krypton, which was destroyed. My parents sent me here so I'd survive. I get strange powers from your sun. I'm not going to take over the world, though; I'm not that ambitious. I just wanted to come back and be with you." Clark smiled at him. 

"If you only wanted to be with me," Lex asked, "Then why did you leave?" 

Clark mumbled something. 

"What was that?" Lex asked. 

"Heat vision," Clark stated clearly. 

"What?" 

"I couldn't control my heat vision. Remember those random fires on the farm?" 

"Yeah," Lex said. "They often started just after I had finished riding." 

Clark blushed. 

"What did you do?" Lex accused. 

"Well, I watched you ride. You looked so majestic atop a horse. And you would be so sweaty afterwards. I'd see your skin gleaming in the sun. It was just so sexy. And one day I was watching you and then my eyes got really itchy and hot. I looked away, and a bale of hay caught fire. I realized it was from watching you. I had to go, I had to learn to control it. I didn't want to set you on fire when I finally got to see you naked." 

Lex laughed. 

Suddenly, a loud popping echoed all around them, and a bright light shot out of the wall. Lex nearly got hit, but Clark threw him to the ground. 

"Watch out for those," Clark said. "They could give you cataracts and leave you in a coma for six months. " 

Lex nodded dumbly, then looked around in fear. "What about the PWAGAs?" he asked. 

"Parasites with adrenal gland addictions?" Clark asked. "I'm pretty sure those are just a myth." 

Suddenly Clark felt a nibble at the back of his neck. "Lex," he giggled, "That tickles." 

"What?" Lex said from just behind him. "I'm not doing anything." 

"If you're not..." Clark smacked the back of his neck. When he brought his hand around to the front, there was a flattened crawfish-like creature in his palm. "Huh," he said, "I guess they're real. Look out for those; they can't bite me, but they might hurt you." 

"Get me the fuck out of here," Lex mumbled. 

* * *

Lucas and his men were waiting at the exit of the caves. 

"Crap," Clark muttered. 

"Surrender!" Lucas shouted. 

Clark drew himself up to his full height. "I'd rather die." 

Lex huffed. 

"That can be arranged," Lucas snarled. 

"Are you going to pee on me? Jesus," Lex said. "If I come with you, Lucas, will you promise not to hurt him?" 

"Hurt him?" Lucas asked innocently. 

Lex glared. "I know you; promise you won't hurt him, and I'll come with you." 

"Lex," Clark whined. 

"Shush," Lex held up a hand. He glared at Lucas. "Promise." 

Lucas held up his hands in mock surrender. "Fine, I won't hurt your precious whatever he is." 

"Is there a horse for me?" Lex asked. 

Lucas nodded. 

"Okay, then let's go." He shot Clark a look of apology over his shoulder, and rode off. 

* 

Clark watched angrily until Lex was no longer visible, when he noticed he wasn't alone. Count Senatori was next to him, sitting astride his horse. 

"I know you," Clark said. 

"Oh?" the count asked. 

"You're Count Senatori. Someone was looking for you." 

The handle of the sword came down on Clark's head, knocking him unconscious. A green stone on the hilt glittered in the sun. 

* * *

When Clark awoke, he was wearing only red shorts, and was strapped to a plank. "Kinky," he said. 

"Ah, you're awake," said the count. "Good." He started fastening wires and suction cups to every inch of bare skin. 

"Wha'ff viss?" Clark's speech was slightly muffled by the cups. 

"I call this..." the count looked around, and seeing no one, leaned in close. "The machine," he whispered. 

"Ah. And it does...?" 

"You'll see." Senatori smiled smugly and flipped a switch. 

Slowly, Clark was lowered into a tank of glowing green liquid. He shrieked. 

The count flipped the switch back, and the plank rose out of the water. "I just sucked a year of your life away. How do you feel?" 

"Okay, I guess," Clark said. 

The count glared at him. "That's it? I'd think you'd feel a little more..." He waved his arms around in the air. "More passionate or something. More distressed." 

"Well," Clark said, "that wasn't the most comfortable I've ever felt." 

"Fine." Count Senatori turned the dial and flipped the switch again. 

Clark sank into the green liquid and screamed. 

The count flipped the switch back, and Clark's plank rose from the water. "There, now," he said, "I've just sucked another 20 years of your life away. How do you feel?" 

"Meh," Clark said, shrugging again as best he could in his restraints. 

Count Senatori growled and turned up the dial and lowered Clark into the tank yet again. And again, and again. This continued for close to an hour until the count announced he'd sucked away a total of 201 years of Clark's life. 

Clark cried. 

The count smiled in satisfaction. 

* * *

Lucas was working at his writing desk when his chief of security entered. He bowed. "You wished to see me, sire?" 

"There have been threats made against my groom-to-be. I want you to form a brute squad to clear out the thieves quarter of the cornfields." 

"Yes, sir." The chief of security bowed and took his leave. 

Just as the chief of security was leaving, Lex walked in. "I made a mistake," he said. 

"Oh?" Lucas asked, looking up from his letter. 

"I love him. I have since I met him. It's possible that I loved him before I even knew him. I can't marry you." 

Lucas shrugged. "But are you sure that he loves you?" 

"Pardon?" Lex asked. 

"You chose me over him," Lucas said. 

"I chose his safety," Lex stated. 

Lucas strolled around his room. "He might not see it that way. Look at it like this; he saved you from your kidnappers, and then at the very end, when it looked like you two might have a happily ever after, you casually ignored every heroic thing he did for you, climbed onto a horse and rode off with me." 

Lex was stricken. "Oh, God. Oh, Clark." 

"So you see," Lucas continued, "he might not want you." 

Lex fell into the nearest chair. It creaked a warning. 

"I'll tell you what," Lucas said, "you write him three copies of a letter. I'll send one on my fastest ship, one by my fastest horse and one with my fastest carrier pigeon. Surely he'll receive one of them, and perhaps he'll choose to take you back. In the meantime, I implore you, marry me, Lex. I have never seen your equal and I would be honored to have you as my quee--" 

"Other king," Lex interrupted. 

"Excuse me?" Lucas asked. 

"I won't be queen, I'd be the other king. If we were to marry. Which we won't, because Clark will come for me." 

Lucas smiled indulgently. "Okay, other king. If you would be so kind as to consider me an alternative?" 

Lex nodded. "I'll go write the letters." 

Lucas watched Lex's ass appreciatively until the door shut. Then Lucas tore from his chambers. 

* * *

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Lucas swore as he threw open the door to Count Senatori's Machine Room. 

Count Senatori and Clark looked up in surprise. 

"Why would he love you?" Lucas roared. "You're nothing. You're just some guy in red underwear who lived on a farm, then left him when he proclaimed his undying love, and then, when you saw each other again, you did nothing but put him in danger!" Lucas' hand flung out and connected with the dial on the machine. "Now," he shouted, "you're going to have to die." The dial turned and he flipped the switch. 

"NO! Not 580!" the count cried. 

The plank splashed into the tank, and Clark's roar of pain could've awakened the dead. 

* * *

Pezzik and Chloe were having a beer at the dirtiest bar in the thieves quarter. "I joined the brute squad," Pezzik said proudly. 

Chloe laughed weakly. "You?" 

Pezzik huffed. 

"I never got my interview," she said forlornly. 

Pezzik put his arm around her. "You'll get it." 

"I don't even know where Count Senatori is!" Chloe pushed her beer aside in frustration. "Only that man in black would be able to help me find him." 

"Why him?" Pezzik asked. 

Chloe shrugged. "There's something different about him. I think he'd be able to find that needle I dropped in the haystack last year." She looked up thoughtfully. "Maybe I'll ask him to get it for me after I get that interview." She looked down again. "I wish I knew where he was." 

Suddenly, an endless scream spread through the cornfield. 

"Do you hear that?" Chloe asked excitedly. 

Pezzik covered his ears. "How could I miss it?" 

"It's the cry of ultimate suffering," Chloe said. "My heart made that sound when I realized that Liozzini wasn't going to help me get that interview with Count Senatori. The man in black is making it now." She jumped up and grabbed her purse. "We're going to find him." 

The scream faded. 

"Shit," Chloe said. "We've got to find him _now_." 

* * *

The plank rose out of the water. Clark lay on it limp and pale, except for the bulging green veins crisscrossing his body. 

Lucas nodded, then swept out of the room. 

Count Senatori threw down his notebook in disgust and marched out after the prince. 

* * *

Chloe and Pezzik stood in the woods near an old, knobby tree. 

"I swear it came from in here," Chloe said, motioning towards it. "Now we just have to find a way inside." 

"Chloe," Pezzik said calmly, "This is a tree." 

Chloe looked at him pointedly. "Use your imagination for once." She tapped him on the head. "I know it's in there somewhere." Then Chloe was a million miles away. "He was supposed to give an interview to my cousin, but every time she approached him, he blew her off. Finally, he threw her in the way of a passing cart. She was trampled by horses; died instantly. I need to get his interview. I owe it to her." She looked up at the sky. "Somewhere, Lois, is a man who can take me to Count Senatori. But I can't find him. Please, help me find him. Guide my pen, Lois, guide my pen." 

The pen flew out of Chloe's lax fingers and embedded itself in the third knot of the tree. 

"Dude," Pezzik said. 

Chloe ran for the tree and yanked her pen from its trunk. A trapdoor beneath their feet opened, and Pezzik and Chloe fell through the ground. 

They finally landed with a thwumpf on a soft mattress. 

"Feels like Serta," Pezzik said happily. 

Chloe smacked him. 

* 

Chloe and Pezzik entered a large, dimly lit room. It was empty save for a strange rigging in the middle, set next to a tank of green water. Above the tank was a glass platform, and lying on it, unconscious, was a very wet and green man. 

"That's him," Chloe whispered. "God, I hope we're not too late. We've got to untie him. We have to get him out of here." 

"But he's dead," Pezzik said. 

"We have to help him." She said desperately, and started untying the knots. "Help me!" Chloe demanded. They finished freeing the limp body and dragged it from the room. 

* * *

There was a small, yellow cottage at the edge of the woods. An old herbalist lived here with his wife. Chloe knew all about them. 

She'd done a story on them once. 

She knocked tentatively at the white-trimmed door and hoped that her flattering article bought her a favor, because she was in desperate need. 

"Go 'way," a gruff voice said. 

"Please," Chloe implored, "We need help." 

"Go 'way," it said again. 

"Miracle Bo, please. We came seeking you out. We need a miracle." 

"Go 'w-- Oof!" The door opened, and a tiny woman with red, red hair opened the door. She waved Chloe and Pezzik inside. A blond man with sun-wrinkled skin sat in the corner clutching his stomach. 

"What have we here?" the woman asked. She helped Pezzik and Chloe hoist the body onto the kitchen table. 

"A dead guy," Pezzik said, "Who Chloe was hoping Miracle Bo could revive." 

The woman looked at the man out the corner of her eye. He glared. "I'm afraid my husband is indisposed at the moment. But I'm Martha, and I'd be happy to help. First, we need to know if he can be revived." 

Martha pried the dead man's mouth open and put her ear to it, then looked inside. She examined his belly button. Then Martha smiled and unceremoniously upturned a bucket of fresh, cool water over the body. Chloe and Pezzik looked at her in shock. 

"He'll be up in an hour," she said. Miracle Bo grumbled from the corner. 

"Uh, thanks," Chloe said, and she and Pezzik dragged the man in black off the table and back out into the woods. The green had already started fading from the man's skin. 

* * *

Lucas and Lex stood side by side in the chapel, facing the minister. Lex kept checking over his shoulder to see if Clark had arrived to stop this wedding, and Lucas kept elbowing Lex none to gently in the ribs every time his gaze drifted back to the door of the church. 

Then Lex started getting fidgety. Lucas got really annoyed and glared a "hurry up" at the minister. 

The minister fumbled his hymnal, cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "Marriage..." he began. 

* * *

Chloe and Pezzik sat outside the castle wall with the man in black propped between them. 

"When's he gonna wake up?" Pezzik whined, poking the man in black in the ribs. 

"I don't know," Chloe said, peeking over the wall. "but he needs to get up soon. The prince's wedding is happening now, and then I'll have to wait _weeks_ for this interview, because Count Senatori is going to follow the prince and Lex on their honeymoon." 

"Honeymoon?" 

Chloe and Pezzik looked between them in surprise. The man in black's eyes were open, and he was speaking. In fact, he was repeating, "Honeymoon?" and looking at them both as though they'd grown second heads. He pulled his head back and stared down his nose at them. "Are you gawking at me for any particular reason?" 

Chloe and Pezzik snapped back to themselves. "You're awake!" Chloe squealed. 

The man in black ignored her. "What honeymoon? What's going on?" His eyes darted around wildly. "Why am I here? Who are you people? Where's Lex? Why am I in nothing but my underwe--" 

Pezzik clamped his hand over the man's mouth. 

"One," Chloe began, counting on her fingers, "No, wait. That'll take too long. I need to get an interview with Count Senatori before he departs on Prince Lucas' honeymoon." 

Pezzik added, "The wedding is going on right now. Prince Lucas is marrying that bald guy we helped kidnap. By the way," Pezzik stuck his hand out, "I'm Pezzik." 

"I don't care," the man snapped, "I need to get to Lex." 

"I need that interview," Chloe insisted. 

"We need to get into the castle," the man in black said. He thought for a moment. "What are our assets?" 

Chloe looked pointedly at the man's crotch. 

The man eyed her curiously. "That's going to get us into the castle?" 

Chloe kept staring. "Have you seen the size of that thing?" 

The man gave up and looked at Pezzik, who shrugged helplessly. 

Chloe was still gawking. 

"Would you stop that?" the man shouted, throwing his hands over his groin. "Damnit, I need some clothes." 

"Oh!" Pezzik said, "I have something!" He whipped a pair of jeans out from behind his back. "Yeah, Helmut Lang!" 

The man tugged the pants out of Pezzik's hand and wriggled into them. "They're a little small," he said. 

Chloe nodded dumbly. 

The man ignored her. "I guess they'll have to do." The man took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. "Okay," he exhaled, "Let's storm the castle." 

* 

As the three approached the palace gate, Pezzik pulled a cloak from behind his back. "We might need this," he said. 

"Where'd that come from?" Clark asked. 

"Yeah, Salvation Army!" Pezzik cheered. 

Clark rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you list that among our assets?" 

"Too busy discussing your dick?" Pezzik grinned impishly. 

Chloe piped up, "Awesome. I have a plan." 

* * *

"I AM THE DREAD BLACK MAN, PEZZIK!!!" Pezzik roared from up on Clark's shoulders. Chloe clung to Clark's back, both of them covered by the cloak. 

"This is inane," Clark said through gritted teeth. "Pezzik's as menacing as a daisy." 

Pezzik kicked him. 

"On the count of three, burn this baby," Chloe said, "One... two... th--" 

The cloak exploded into flame. 

"Ow! Owowowow HOT!" Pezzik yelled. 

"Shut up!" Clark and Chloe hissed. 

Pezzik unfastened the burning fabric and let it fall to the ground, as Clark zipped them closer to the main gate. 

The guards shouted in surprise and scattered away. 

* * *

The cries from the courtyard could be heard in the chapel. 

Lucas growled. Lex grinned triumphantly. "Clark," he said. 

"...joining of two souls..." the minister continued, seemingly oblivious to the growing chaos outside. 

A guard burst into the room and motioned frantically at Lucas. 

The minister looked up, startled. 

"Man and wi--" Lucas was silenced by a vicious kick from Lex. "And husband. Say it. Man and husband." 

"Man and, uh." The minister looked at Lex, for what appeared to be the first time. "Husband?" he squeaked. 

"Clark's too late," Lucas laughed. "you're mine. And now I'm going to kill him." Lucas ran out into the palace after his guard. 

* * *

"Give me the key," Clark roared at the chief of security. 

"What key?" the man asked innocently. 

Clark rolled his eyes and looked at a bush in the distance. It went up in flames. 

"Key." Clark held out his hand insistently. 

The guard looked at him blankly. 

Pezzik kicked him in the shin. 

"Oh, this key," the guard said, dropping the key in Clark's hand. 

"I am so more menacing than a daisy," Pezzik sulked. 

* * *

Lucas, Count Senatori and the guard tore through the hallways towards the entrance. 

The count ran smack into Chloe. Then he turned and ran the other way. 

"Pezzik!" Chloe cried, "I'm going after my interview! Stay with Clark!" She took off after the count, then her shout came from around the corner. "Pezzik! Help me with this door!" 

Pezzik left Clark fidgeting and squinting at the walls, and ran after Chloe. When he returned to get Clark, Clark was gone. 

* * *

Lex entered his chamber, and went to grab a silver revolver from his dresser. He released the safety and put it in his mouth. 

"Few people have as smart a mouth as yours," said a voice from the bed. "It would be a shame to permanently silence it." 

"CLARK!" Lex cried, dropping the gun. He ran to the bed and pounced on Clark. "I like the jeans," he said, and set about removing them from Clark's person. 

"Lex," Clark breathed. He wrapped his arms around him and flipped them over, pressing Lex into the mattress. 

* * *

"Hello," Chloe said to the count, who had backed into a corner at her forceful approach. "My name is Chloe Montoya. You killed my cousin. Prepare to answer questions." She clicked on a dictaphone. 

Count Senatori cried like a baby. 

* * *

Lucas burst into the room. "Now I've got you!" he yelled, pointing his sword at Clark. 

Clark calmly got up and walked to Lucas, where he grabbed his sword and snapped it in two. 

Lucas started, then said with slipping confidence, "You're too late, anyway. Lex is mine. We're married." 

Clark turned to Lex. "Is this true?" 

Lex nodded sadly. 

"Did you say 'I do'?" Clark asked softly, returning to Lex. 

"No," Lex said. "we skipped over that part." 

Clark nodded triumphantly. "Then you're not married." He pushed Lex back onto the bed and started biting the buttons from Lex's shirt. 

Lucas cleared his throat. "Get away from my wi-- er, husband!" he insisted. 

The response from the bed was little more than Lex's breathy moan. 

"Stop!" Lucas stalked toward the bed. "Stop it!" He stomped his foot. 

Lex flipped Clark over and undid his jeans. Clark lifted his hips so Lex could pull the offending garments off. 

"I said STOP!" Lucas shouted, grabbing Lex's shoulder just as Lex had put his lips to Clark's cock. 

It was at about that moment that Lucas burst into flames. He screamed in agony. 

Lex pulled away with a slurp and looked at Clark curiously. Clark was sheepish. "I guess I don't have control of that heat vision yet. Heh." 

"Well, can you get him out of here?" Lex asked. "His smoking corpse is killing the mood." 

Clark dragged Lucas out into the hallway and stuffed him into the nearest empty suit of armor before returning to the bedroom and Lex. 

* 

Half an hour later, Clark and Lex lay naked together, arms around each other and legs twined in Lex's sheets. 

A shout came from outside. "Man in red underwear! Bald guy!" 

Clark left Lex dozing lightly and, wrapping a sheet around himself, looked out the window. "Pezzik!" 

"I got horses! Yeah, uh... Clydesdale? Anyway, I got Chloe, too." 

"I got my interview!" Chloe crowed. 

Clark smiled. 

"Let's go!" she called. 

Clark nodded and returned to the bed. He shook Lex gently. Lex slit open tired blue eyes and smiled sleepily. "We're getting out of here," Clark whispered. 

Lex leaned up for a kiss. 

"You're so beautiful like this," Clark said softly, running a hand down Lex's arm. 

Lex's smile brightened. "Get me my clothes; we'll go." 

Lex and Clark got dressed, and then Clark gathered him close and jumped out the window. 

They mounted the two remaining horses and-- 

"Wait," Lex said. He pulled his horse up beside Clark's and leaned in. Their lips met softly at first. Clark moaned into Lex's mouth, and Lex reached up to tangle his fingers in Clark's hair. He pulled away, and at Clark's disappointed whimper, yanked Clark's head back. Lex mouthed his way along Clark's jaw and Clark moaned and started rubbing himself against the saddle. 

Lex whispered, "God," then tried to sink his teeth into the juncture of Clark's neck and shoulder. 

"Lex," Clark moaned Lex's name, and gave up on the saddle, trying desperately to undo his jeans. 

"GUYS!" Chloe huffed, "Can we go, please?" 

Lex let go of Clark's hair and smirked at Chloe. Clark panted helplessly. "We have to go," he said huskily. 

"Lex," Clark breathed, reaching for him. 

Lex pulled away. "Later," he promised. 

Clark smiled at him. "I love you." 

"GUYS!" Chloe repeated, annoyed. 

Lex and Clark rode their horses to Chloe and Pezzik's, and the group galloped off toward the sunrise. 


End file.
